So why start a blog now?

Because life is messy. and crazy. and beautiful. I’ve had so many explosive changes happen recently that I’ve realized writing may be the best way for me gather and organize the debris. Things in my life don’t usually happen gradually. Changes for me are usually very abrupt and I don’t think that is how it’s supposed to work… Actually, I’m pretty sure thats not how it’s supposed to work (most of the time). I think most of the time we have the option for slow gradual change, unless we ignore what is happening in and around us. Does that sound like mumbo-jumbo?..Let me explain using my own life..

I have had the desire to go back to the Philippines since I returned from there in 2011. For 4 years, I have felt that calling. I have made a few little attempts to go back, but none that required too much faith or too much courage. So I’ve just let that desire build and I tried to ignore it “for now”. In the meantime, I refused to “settle down”. I didn’t want to start my career because I knew I had this calling to go to the Philippines that I had to answer first. So I just worked at my job and refused to move out of my comfort zone.

Then I met a boy who I eventually chose to love. I didn’t “fall” for him though. I knew my heart and I knew what I was getting in to. I really did chose to walk off into the deep end for him because I loved him. The only problem was, I thought walking off the deep end for him meant I was getting out of my comfort zone, but I didn’t really move. I thought I did, but I didn’t. I brought him in to my comfort zone. By doing that, he then became another reason for me to not leave  which resulted in me making him feel responsible for my comfort. That was dangerous and destructive for both of us. It was hard enough to leave my comfort zone before he was there- it was nearly impossible to leave when he was there too. Not to mention, asking anyone to be responsible for my comfort was dangerous, especially when my comfort zone was becoming more and more uncomfortable.

The more I held on to my comfort zone, the more I became unhappy with it. I wanted to grow up. I wanted to go back and volunteer in the Philippines. I wanted to be challenged and I wanted a real job that I was proud of. All of those things were unreachable in my comfort zone.

So that long back story is to say this,

I could have made gradual changes. Things don’t happen overnight. It only feels like things happen over night when we ignore what is happening around us. We all have things we ignore- whether it be a desire to do something or a convicting feeling that we should stop doing something. I have had these desires in my heart for years and years and I ignored them. I could’ve taken a lot of tiny steps to get to the point that I’ve been pushed to, but I was too scared. But now I’m here. I’m going to embrace the place I’ve been pushed to- which is currently pretty messy. It’s like a bomb was dropped on my comfort zone so that I could start fresh, but I’m embracing it.