This morning I went to church with my stepmom at First Bible Church in Decatur and the lesson was on boldness. It was very fitting for 2 reasons. 1) I have made some very bold decisions in the past couple of months and 2) I don’t feel bold at all. To be honest, I feel completely terrified.

I’ve read the bible verses and heard everyone telling me to trust God, but at the same time I’ve felt pressure to get my life together. I feel like I should have my own car by now, not the one I was given when I turned 16, I feel like I should have a great job with benefits, and I feel like my life should look more “grown up”. But I don’t look like society wants me to look at my age. You see, I just turned 26, I quit my okay job in Montgomery, moved in with my dad and stepmom, currently only have a part-time job without benefits (and I’m only making minimum wage), AND I get kicked off my dad’s health insurance in 9 short days. On top of that, I’ve signed up to go on a mission trip to Antigua and I’m trying to get a teaching job in China in the fall. What. The. Heck. Am. I. Thinking?!?

Honestly, a lot of the time, I have no idea. I’m a literally living on a prayer (and my family). I feel like a mooch, a bum, and sometimes even a letdown. I hate that feeling. I often envy people that went straight through school, got a great job, and seem to be living happily ever after. I took a break after a year and a half at Auburn to do mission work and every decision since then has been so much harder to make. Because of my time on the World Race, my life decisions are so heavy sometimes that I just don’t make them. I don’t want to get so caught up in corporate America that I forget the children in the Philippines that were high from huffing glue to kill their hunger pains. I want to stay connected to a reality that is bigger than me. The things I have seen make me sure of what I don’t want to become, but I don’t know without a doubt what I want to do for a career– because I want to do mission work. I know God has given me a heart for missions and for the past 4 years I have told myself I will only do missions when I can pay for the trip myself and provide for myself because I hate feeling like I’m a burden to others…but here I am.

So why am I suddenly asking other people to pay for me to do mission work? Because I am taking a huge leap of faith. I don’t like to ask people for financial support– especially when I can not sit here and say that I audibly heard the voice of the Lord speak to me and tell me to sign up for the Antigua mission trip. I haven’t heard a Morgan Freeman voice speak to me and say, “Rachel, go teach in China and I will use you there.” None of that has happened. I have had moments in the past where I have experienced that, but not recently. Its actually really hard and sad because the ball is in my court. I would much rather be told what to do,but I feel like I have to ask Him for wisdom and make a decision. He is trusting me and that is so scary.

I’ve been listening to a series about wisdom lately and the preacher said, “Wisdom doesn’t ask, ‘can I do this and be a good Christian?’” He says, “Wisdom asks, ‘Is it wise for me to do this?’” The best example used was about sexual immorality…he said one can ask, “Is it okay for me to mess around with my boyfriend/girlfriend?” And honestly, you can debate all the 50 shades or gray that can be in between not having sex before marriage and having sex before marriage, but wisdom doesn’t ask “can I?”, it asks “should I?” Because if you say, “ Should I mess around?” or “Is it wise to mess around?”, we are no longer making it a salvation issue- we are making it an issue of what is beneficial. So, is it beneficial to mess around before you’re married? I don’t think so. I don’t think either party benefits from that in the long run.

I’ve had to ask myself whether or not these trips are beneficial. I full heartedly think that they are. When it comes to me (Lord willing) going on these trips, I don’t think it’s a salvation issue, but I do think it is wise. I have prayed a lot for wisdom and I have sat on my butt wanting to do missions for too long for it to be considered wise for me to sit any longer. I have sat and waited for the perfect opportunity and it hasn’t come. The more time that passes without me doing something, the less perfect the opportunity seems to get for me to go. So I’m falling back on what I know, which is to be bold for God and have faith in God and His people to provide. I think we are all called to a ministry of some sort. If you are passionate about dancing- that is where your ministry lies. If you are passionate about painting- that is where your ministries lies. I am passionate about children and living in different (even uncomfortable) places- so missions that involve children are my ministries.

This is me stepping out and being bold. This is me acknowledging that I know I don’t deserve a dime from you or God. I don’t deserve to be termed “a missionary”, so I won’t ask to be called one, but I have to be bold which means I have to do something. I have to take what I have learned and combine it with what the bible says to do and go and rely on faith and prayers to get me there.

So even if you can only give $1, please do. Those $1 dollar donations mean so much more than money to me. It means that I have people behind me. One dollar from you means that you see my effort and you acknowledge my attempt to work in my ministry, and believe it or not—that means so much more to me than any amount of money.

Thank you for reading my ramblings and I hope you remember to:

Be honest. Be bold. Be vulnerable. Be you.

If you’d like to donate to my Antigua trip, here is the link:

http://www.gofundme.com/m678t4