*FOREWARNING* This blog is about DEPRESSION. If you think that depression is based on a lack of thankfulness or gratefulness, or that depression can simply be overcome by someone telling you how your life could be so much worse– PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS BLOG. I know, that I know, that I KNOW, MY LIFE IS UNBELIEVABLY BLESSED! I’ve seen and lived alongside the poorest of the poor while on The World Race, I have a vast understanding about how my life is, and will always be, so much better than 99% of the world. Depression is a chemical imbalance- not a state of mind. To tell me, “Your life is so amazing! Why are you depressed about such small things when so many people in the world are living in poverty, etc?!”, just reiterates thoughts I already struggle with that make me feel extremely guilty for being depressed. Guilt is like steroids for depression. So please, JUST DON’T.

I haven’t blogged in a reeeally long time. If you’ve been wondering where I’ve been in blog world, I’m finally coming around to tell you. I’ve been in a dark muddy pit of loneliness & depression. (If you were expecting sunshine & rainbows because you’ve seen all my beautiful pictures of my vacation in Thailand, I’m sorry. That’s FaceBook- please only take it at FaceValue.) I haven’t blogged from the pit because no one enjoys hearing that the girl who went to be a bright light in China is actually just a flickering flame that’s almost burnt out.

Loneliness & depression aren’t new to my scene. The first time a doctor actually said I was legit-in-need-of-medication-depressed was when I was 15 years old. Since then I’ve been fighting off spouts of depression in many different ways-some healthy, some unhealthy. (You may be thinking, ‘Why don’t you just take medication, you crazy loon?!’ My answer: The medication makes me feel numb and detached- so unless my depression is so severe that I can’t work, or go to school – I opt out.) When I was younger, I fought depression using unhealthy methods. Now, with age, I’ve learned that healthy methods of fighting off depression are much more beneficial.

The 3 main (mostly healthy) ways I have fought depression in the recent past are through:
1. Sunshine
2. Exercise
3. Community

Sunshine
I adore being in the sun. I honestly believe my spirit thrives the most when vitamin D is pouring down on me. As unhealthy as it may be, in the past I’d occasionally even get my vitamin D at the tanning bed (much more than occasionally when I was younger*). Are tanning beds smart? Not really. Is it smart to fight off depression with all you’ve got when you feel it creeping over you every winter? I think yes.

Exercise
I love to run. In high school, I would’ve bet you $10,000 that I would NEVER enjoy running, BUT I’m a changed woman.
Do I enjoy running because it’s happy, fun, and relaxing? No. Not at all. Truthfully, pushing myself out the door to go for a run and the actual running have always been hard for me. It’s a mental battle between me, myself, and I as I run. The battle consists of me wanting to stop, but telling myself to just go a little bit farther until I’ve eventually tricked myself into running miles and miles.
When I finish a long run, my spirit is extremely lifted. I become more confident in myself and I feel strong enough to accomplish anything. Some of this is because of the endorphins rushing through my body, but it isn’t just the endorphins. When I run, I have to stop worrying about life. I can’t pick apart my relationships, successes, and failures. When I’m just trying to breathe and ‘go a little bit farther’ during a run, that’s all I can think about. Because I have ADHD where all the H is in my mind, those moments where I only think about 2 things are euphoric. Yes that euphoria may have to be forced out of me through the pain and suffering of running, but none-the-less, those moments are euphoric.

Community
Oh, community. How is it that you make me feel all the feels? Highs and lows and everything in between.But really… My closest-knit community (my handful of besties and family members) makes me feel the high feels 99% of the time. I have an amazing group of people in my life who push me to become more Christ-like by loving me in my lows and celebrating when I’m at my highs.They also hug me or show me physical affection- a lot. This may sound SO weird because in America we tend to over sexualize everything, but I don’t mean it in a sexual way at all. When I’m with my brothers, we hug, poke, punch, and annoy each other a lot. That is physical affection. When I’m with my mom, we almost always lay on the couch & watch TV together. That is physical affection. When I’m with my besties, we pile in the bed and talk about life together (or just binge watch Netflix). That is physical affection.
Physical affection to me really just means touch. It could literally be that we are just touching because we are sitting beside each other & there’s no space between us on the couch or it could be a shove from my brothers when I’m smothering them in annoying hugs. No matter how small it may be, physical touch, or closeness, really helps me fight off depression & I have a community of people who I’m close enough with to be close to them. #blessed

So what’s my problem now?
It appears that China doesn’t only block Facebook, it also blocks sunshine, exercise, AND community.

Okay. Obviously I’m exaggerating by using the word ‘block’, but it has been unbelievably hard for me to access those things here.

Sunshine is rare here.
It has been a cold, gloomy winter here in China. If I hadn’t been able to escape to Thailand during my vacation time, my great community of people at home would have needed to come here, take me home, & check me into an insane asylum…because I’m pretty certain they don’t have those here because I’m pretty sure China doesn’t acknowledge mental health.
But really though. I take vitamin D supplements from the USA and I try to get outside when it’s sunny, but due to winter weather and extremely polluted air quality, the sunshine went completely MIA for a few weeks here. It. Was. Depressing.

Exercise is unhealthy here.
Really. I truly believe that ridiculous statement.
I’ve been sick a lot here and I haven’t been able to pinpoint one exact reason why, but I am certain the polluted air has something to do with it. My students have told me many times that I will stop getting sick if I exercise more, but when I try, the polluted air enters my lungs and I’m sick again. This means no running. No running means too many thoughts all the time, which is no Bueno {bar} for me.

Commun[ity]ism
When I moved here, I thought I would have a lot of time to build relationships and have community, and I do. The people, however, do not. My students have classes from around 6:30 am- 10:30 pm pretty much every day of the week and during the 1 night a week they are off early, they have tutoring and homework to do.The other Chinese English teachers don’t/won’t speak English and they are constantly working as well. The people here stay busy, so I really miss people. Most of all, I miss Christian community. I miss worshiping with real live people in person and not just via a computer screen. I may eat these words later, but I even miss living in the Bible Belt. It’s true, Bible Belt people are crazy, we fight on Facebook too much & pick apart scripture sometimes just to throw it in other people’s faces (obviously I don’t condone these types of behavior), but currently I miss living around so many people that believe in a higher power & think it’s important enough to talk about.
I also miss the hugs and physical presence of my friends and family. I am so thankful that I have a dog (Charlie) here. Out of the 1 million people living in my city, Charlie is the only one I get touched by- even if his touch consists of biting me or jumping on me- I’ll take it happily. (UPDATE: This week I have somewhat forced hugs on my Chinese friend, Shu. It’s been awkward, but it’s so much better than no hugs at all.)

So why did I write this blog? Just because I didn’t know how to move forward without explaining where I’ve been. Sometimes I’m honest and open to a fault. In moments where others can move forward and ignore the past, I have an unending urge to explain. I’m not only an open book- I’m an audiobook- reading to everyone, even if they don’t care to know. But now that I’ve acknowledged that I’m not where I’d hoped to be, hopefully I can move forward and blog more often- even if my blogs aren’t flattering.

P.S. If you are worried about me, trust me when I say I’m okay. This isn’t my first rodeo. If you can’t trust me, trust God. This definitely isn’t His first rodeo in fighting off depression. He has me and He is fighting for me. He has provided a lot for me here. I have a wonderful Chinese, best friend (Shu) who is truly a Godsend. I have more friends that live about 5 hours north of me that are great. I have a comfortable apartment that I was able to furnish after my first couple pay checks, I have Wi-Fi, I am overall healthy, and most of all, I know that God is using me. Even though I feel like a dim light, He is in me shining brightly. So please, don’t worry.